Autism and vaccinations, why we chose the path we did.
I don't think that any experience in life can prepare you for the overwhelming sense of hopelessness you feel when you find out that your child has - something. As a parent, you have a myriad of experiences where you feel out of control, that the circumstances are beyond your fixing. There is fear, there is the heart wrenching, stomach dropping panic. Then there is this moment where you go into information seeking, problem solving, protective parent mode. You search for the source of the problem, and by human nature, you seek to fix what is wrong. All the while there is this voice, slightly muted, allowing you to take in everything around you, but still there, whispering "what could you have done to prevent this situation"?
When C was diagnosed, it took a long time to get through all of the emotions. I went through the denial stage for almost a full year. I knew that something was different with C, before he was diagnosed. I brought it to the pediatrician's attention. He is the youngest of our three boys. He is cute, and everyone did, and will sometimes still do, anything for him. His language was delayed - but that was attributed to everyone talking for him. His gross motor skills were lacking, but that was attributed to everyone carrying him, not giving him the opportunity to jump, run, skip. His social skills were delayed, but that was attributed to him not having enough access to other children, to his brothers being more advanced and not including him enough. We worked for a year to bring him up to speed, but by 3, it was clear that he was falling further and further behind. That is when we were handed the life altering news - C has Autism.
We were mad. We were mad at the pediatrician for delivering the news. We were mad at the school system for not working fast enough to confirm the diagnosis, and then mad that they were slow to develop the IEP. We were mad that we didn't have enough resources. We were mad that we didn't feel like we had support. We were mad at ourselves. Somehow we didn't do enough. We should have reacted sooner.
Then we went into our problem solving mode. Kell knew it would be better. We would get him enrolled in school, we would do whatever it took to "fix" it. I went into research mode. I looked at every possible cause of Autism, searched the internet, tried to locate support groups, blogs, message boards. We formed Kinera Foundation. All the while I searched for causes, cures, recovery stories. I found the medical journal published by Andrew Wakefield. Coming from an upbringing that was holistic, and not reliant on medical intervention, this paper seemed to speak to me. C was a normal baby - quiet, happy, loving. And then it all started to go down-hill, slowly. I remember him saying baba, dada, and then there was a point where he just stopped. Was it all linked to his vaccinations? Was I to blame?
I found this paper as the reports of misconduct and false findings were coming to light. It was confusing. I spoke with many parents of children on the Spectrum who fully believed the study. I checked out Jenny McCarthy's book about her son recovering. I wanted to "fix" my baby. I wanted to find out why - Why C, why was he handed this stack of cards. It all seemed so unfair. And I felt like I was drowning in information, drowning in guilt, drowning in a process that I knew nothing about. I felt helpless. I felt like there was no way out, and I so desperately wanted to make it right. It is my job to protect my children, and somehow I failed.
During this time, we were in and out of doctor's offices. We would arrive in another cinder block building with white walls and a panel of glass separating us from the torture that lay behind the closed doors. C was filled with anxiety. Every time we approached another set of glass doors, leading us to another set of white jacket clad adults, he would start crying, and his crying would turn to screams, and his screams would lead to him flopping on the floor - or valiant attempts to escape. During these series of tests, we had blood work done, and found that C has a wheat and egg allergy. The MMR vaccine is cultured in Chick Embryo. I started to put together my own hypothesis. C has an egg allergy, C has Autism, the MMR vaccine is cultured in chick embryo, the controversial MMR vaccine is said (though discredited) to cause Autism. Hmmm.
I did what any responsible parent should do. I discussed this with our pediatrician. I asked for his professional opinion. And I did a bit more research.
Fast forward to today - a time where there is still controversy regarding the MMR vaccine. Parental rights are being questioned, and more importantly, children and adults have the measles. Every day another case is reported, every day parents have to question whether their children are being exposed. Every day we face the fear that we cannot fulfill our main responsibility as a parent - To PROTECT our child - because of a choice that another parent made.
I made the choice to continue vaccinating C. We chose to vaccinate on a staggered schedule. C does not receive all of his shots at once. We wanted to make sure that his egg allergy would not further impact his development after receiving vaccinations. We decided that having a child who has difficulty expressing feelings, who has an unmatched tolerance for pain, and the inability to communicate if he is ill, should not be susceptible to an illness that is preventible. C has had no adverse reactions to his vaccinations. Despite receiving the MMR, he has continued to make progress.
I don't believe that the government should tell parents how to parent, but I do believe that it is our responsibility to make informed decisions. I don't discredit the stories from other parents, whose children's symptoms of Autism emerged after vaccinations. I do believe, with my whole heart, that there is not one cause of Autism. It has taken me a long time to let go of asking "why". I am not a scientist, a doctor, a biologist, a psychologist, but I am a mom. I do have common sense. If there were one cause of Autism, would their be a Spectrum of symptoms, would there be a Spectrum of severity, would it affect such a broad demographic? Autism has continued to rise, despite a decline in vaccinations. Autism symptoms onset at varying ages, it does not discriminate. It affects Upper Class, Middle Class, and Lower Class citizens, it reaches all corners of the globe, and it presents differently in each individual case. No two people with Autism are alike.
Genetics, environment, food, pollution - there are an abundance of potential sources for the cause of Autism, and why should we pinpoint just one? If there were one cause for Autism, wouldn't there be one type of Autism? If there is a Spectrum of causes, doesn't it make sense that it is a Spectrum Disorder? While the cause may help us in detecting future cases of Autism, it certainly doesn't change things for my family. If I were told while pregnant that my child may have Autism, it would not change my love for him, it would not stop me from raising him. It is not a life threatening disease.
I have come to accept Autism. There are days when it sucks. There are days where I would like to take Autism and obliterate it. But then there are times where I realize that I am a better mom because of it. Our family is closer because of it. Our child is funny and loving, social and smart. There is no way in the world I would trade him in - no way I would or could consider life without him.C has Autism, he is up to date on his vaccines. It was a choice we made, and feel is in the best interest of our child. There is the chance that an un-vaccinated child may develop measles, and there is the chance that a vaccinated child might have Autism. Science has proven, on multiple occasions, that the findings of Wakefield and his team were false, that the MMR vaccine does not CAUSE Autism.
I am honestly grateful we chose to vaccinate. I would be a nervous wreck if C were un-vaccinated, and exposed to measles. He cannot tell us he is sick, the preliminary symptoms would come and go, and we would have a child with a horrendous rash, fever, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches and pain that he would not be able to communicate. We would struggle to help him alleviate the pain. Autism does not have the potential to take my child too soon. The effects of measles or any other preventable disease does. Autism is an adjective, helping to describe C, and C is so much more than 1 adjective.
